Crapping!!!

So far, my life's been freaking sucky! Everyday, i've been sleeping late. And when i say late, it's actually early. I sleep everyday at around 5-6 am. It's not that i don't want to sleep early but the thing is, i just can't fall asleep. Try as i might, i just can't sleep at all. Haiz.. It was never this bad. Previously, i did slept late but at most, the latest i slept was maybe 3am. Ever since i came back from Nepal, i just can't fall asleep. It seems as though i have lotsa things on my mind. Many friends of mine are always asking me why am i so secretive and why is it that i'm always so happy, haha-ing and hehe-ing all the time. Well, i know it's not something to be proud of but i'm just putting up a facade. I thought if my facade is not going to hurt anyone, then why can’t i keep on with the facade. It helps me hide away from the harsh reality. And truth be told, I'm very scared of the human race. I just feel as though i can't trust anyone. I do think everyone is nice but nice does not mean i trust them. Well, i believe that in this world, no one trusts anyone whole-heartedly. As the saying goes, when one opens up, they are more susceptible to being hurt. And being betrayed by someone one really trusts is a very hurtful and heart-wrenching experience. It can really make one hit rock bottom. Maybe the day i can completely ignore the presence of problems in my mind, i’ll be able to sleep with ease.

The atmosphere in hall is so depressing with everyone gone home for the holidays. I’m missing my mummy and sister so much. I can’t wait to go and see them once again but i’m unable to do so. Haiz.. I miss them so much. Sometimes i wish i was still a young girl who could lie in the comfort of my mummy’s lap all cuddled up. I don’t know why but i feel as though only in the presence of my mummy then would i be able to sleep with ease. I feel very safe and secured in her presence. The only joy in my life at the moment is hearing the voice of Mummy!! Miss and love you so much. You may be far but you'll always be in my heart..;) I wanna come home mummy!! Sometimes i feel as though i can’t hold on anymore. The only thing that keep me going is you mummy. All i want in life is to ensure that there’s always a smile on your face. And i’ll do anything to ensure that smile on your face. I really miss you mummy! Maybe I’m too much of a mummy’s little girl. Maybe Daddy was right in saying that his girls never really grew up! But Daddy, what you failed to realise is that your daughters are so at ease under your care and protection that they do not ever want to grow up. We have gotten too dependent on you and now that you have left us alone to spread our wings and fly, we are lost! Haiz.. I’m praying for my elder sis to get visa to stay here in Singapore. If she can’t stay here, i really don’t know if i can hold on in Singapore. Haiz..=( I love Singapore but if my family is not here with me, i don’t know if i can still hold on here. =(

Today once again i went out after a long time, actually the main reason was to introduce Suntec to thapche and make him try local delicacies but instead, i ended up shopping, quite a lot in fact. haha..=) Shopping is really de-stressing it seems. I really enjoyed shopping. Hmmm.. today was shopping more for necessity sake. I really needed new bed sheet covers and seriously needed to stock up on food stuffs for my room. I was really running low on foodstuffs and that’s sth pretty unusual for Sila. Hahaha.. I love having lotsa food in my room. I may not eat it but i need their presence in my room. Haha..;) I really need to thank thapche Nissan for accompanying me and carrying my stuffs. Haha..;) Thanks a lot chora! And actually i’m quite apologetic to him. I wanted to introduce him to local delicacies but in the end we ended up eating pasta which i think was not that appealing to him. And i think it even resulted in him having a tummy ache. Oh no.. I’m so sorry towards him. Sorry hai chora!! Well, i promise i’ll take him to eat good food in the near future. I enjoyed myself today and i think maybe i should go out more often. At least it keeps my mind off things. I really wanna watch Maid of Honour or some comedy movies cos i really want to laugh!! Laughing make me feel very happy..=) Maybe tomorrow i’ll go shopping for clothes and catch a movie. haha..;)

Today after so long, i called my brothers back in Nepal, it felt so nice to talk to them again. At a time when i’m feeling so lonely and depressed, it felt so nice to talk to people who love me unconditionally. I talked for almost one hour with them. I never knew that the country that i never once called my own turned out to be the one place most dearest to me. I’m really missing Nepal and the people there. haiz.. I really enjoyed myself there. It really taught me a lot about life.